My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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