there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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