i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
