all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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