So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
