saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Randomize
