even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
