dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
