They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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