I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
