Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
