3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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