Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
