No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
