Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
