yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
