umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
