your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
