There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
