Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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