My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
