I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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