Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
