I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
