A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
