I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
