Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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