Are we in a gay sports bar?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
