Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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