She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
