I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
