he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't