So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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