even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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