Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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