I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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