I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
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Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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