I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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