I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
