You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I will be naked everywhere
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
