Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
