Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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