Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
