At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
