i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
