did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
