you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
