I cannot find my penis.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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