Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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