Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm like, not good at living.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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