when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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