Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
