Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Couch. On fire.
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