I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
