if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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