what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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