I can text with my tongue
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
