At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
